"Hey, did you know what brand of
shirts ol' Custer wore?"
THE BUREAU OF CAUCASIAN AFFAIRS
United Native Americans is proud to announce that it
the state of California from the whites and is throwing it open for
UNA bought California from three winos found wandering
Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the white
people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which
was written in the Lakota language, and sold California for three
bottles of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian
announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the
whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following loc-
ations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South
Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong
to the whites "for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows"
(or until the Indians want it back.)
All land on the reservations, of course, will be held
in trust for the
whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any white who wants
to use his land in any way must secure permission from Commissioner
Of course, whites will be allowed to sell trades and
stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually with
one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy
of 'The Life of Crazy Horse'.
If you are competent enough, you will be able to be
a BCA reservation
superintendant. Applicants must have less than one year of education,
must not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality, proof
of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding
of four boarding
schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). "We
want to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their
parents," he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the
Florida Everglades, Point Barrow Alaska, and Hong Kong. All courses
will be taught in Indian languages, and there will be demerits for any
child caught speaking English. All students arriving at the school will
immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian
language, spirituality and hunting skills.
Hospitals will be established for the reservations
as follows: Whites at
Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Utah
Salt Flats may go to the Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon
may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may
go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff
of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all
passed first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a
scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern torniquet, and a large bottle
In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, sports
products will be given traditional white names.
One famous Indian movie director has even announced
that in his
upcoming film, 'Custers Last Stand', he will use many actual whites
to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English. But of course,
the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay Silverheels.
Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not
be allowed. Whites
will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions, and will be
required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from
each Indian Nation to convert the whites on the reservations. White
churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums, or
they will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as
novelties, souvenirs and curiosities. --
only one thing worse than watchin
Indians on TV.... Indians watchin Indians
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