of Native Circle
Indian Humor
"Hey, did you know what brand of
shirts ol' Custer wore?"
ARROW
"New York 1626: Chief of the Manhattan Indians
addresses his tribe for the last time."
So anyway, there was this old Indian dude who hired
into a construction company. His first day on the job
the crew was worried about the dark clouds overhead.
He spoke up and said "It ain't gonna rain". Sure enough,
he was right! And so for months this went on, the crew
asked him everyday what the weather was gonna be,
and the old Indian would be right! Until one day, they
walked into the local diner and saw their old Indian
friend sipping on a mug of coffee. They approached
him and asked, "So old-timer, whats the weather gonna
be today?". "Don't know", said the old man. "What?
What do you mean you don't know?" they asked. He
said again, "Don't know". They were bewildered.
"Why not?" they asked. So the old Indian looked up
and said flatly, "My radio's broke."
THE BUREAU OF CAUCASIAN AFFAIRS
United Native Americans is proud to announce that it
has purchased
the state of California from the whites and is throwing
it open for
Indian settlement.
UNA bought California from three winos found wandering
in San-
Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen
for the white
people of California. These winos promptly signed
the treaty, which
was written in the Lakota language, and sold California
for three
bottles of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases
of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian
Affairs, has
announced the following new policies: The Indians
hereby give the
whites four large reservations of ten acres each at
the following loc-
ations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands
of South
Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations
shall belong
to the whites "for as long as the sun shines or the
grass grows"
(or until the Indians want it back.)
All land on the reservations, of course, will be held
in trust for the
whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any
white who wants
to use his land in any way must secure permission
from Commissioner
Brightman.
Of course, whites will be allowed to sell trades and
handicrafts at
stands by the highway. Each white will be provided
annually with
one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of
Spam, and a copy
of 'The Life of Crazy Horse'.
If you are competent enough, you will be able to be
a BCA reservation
superintendant. Applicants must have less than
one year of education,
must not speak English, must have an authoritarian
personality, proof
of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence.
No whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding
of four boarding
schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at
the age of six (6). "We
want to take those kids far away from the backward
culture of their
parents," he said. The schools will be located
on Alcatraz Island, the
Florida Everglades, Point Barrow Alaska, and Hong
Kong. All courses
will be taught in Indian languages, and there will
be demerits for any
child caught speaking English. All students
arriving at the school will
immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding
of Indian
language, spirituality and hunting skills.
Hospitals will be established for the reservations
as follows: Whites at
Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital;
those at the Utah
Salt Flats may go to the Juneau, Alaska Hospital;
those at the Yukon
may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those
at the Badlands may
go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each
hospital will have a staff
of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor
who have all
passed first aid tests. And each hospital will
be equipped with a
scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern torniquet,
and a large bottle
of aspirin.
In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, sports
teams and
products will be given traditional white names.
One famous Indian movie director has even announced
that in his
upcoming film, 'Custers Last Stand', he will use many
actual whites
to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English.
But of course,
the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian
actor Jay Silverheels.
Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not
be allowed. Whites
will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions,
and will be
required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries
will be sent from
each Indian Nation to convert the whites on the reservations.
White
churches will either be made into amusement parks
or museums, or
they will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments
sold as
novelties, souvenirs and curiosities. --
There's
only one thing worse than watchin
Indians
on TV.... Indians watchin Indians
on
TV....
